


Impulse Control

by Adoradork



Category: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Brotherly Love, F/M, Family, Fried Chicken, Humour, Tattoo
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-12
Packaged: 2018-07-22 21:28:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7454523
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Adoradork/pseuds/Adoradork
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The story of how Raphael got his sleeve tattoo (see art by JBadger on Tumblr). Complete with tantrums, body image issues, sexual frustration, prosthetic limbs, brotherly moments, naked breasts and fried chicken. And a tattoo, of course.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. One

Raphael sprinted down a dark alleyway after the mugger. The bastard was fast, but Raph had more strength and more staying power, and he was not going to let this fucker get away. The freaking lowlife had left a guy bleeding on the ground after robbing him and stabbing him. Raph's brothers were somewhere behind him but he'd outpaced them in his need to run this guy to ground.

The mugger turned but Raph turned faster, grabbed him by the shoulder and slammed him against the wall. _End of the line for you_. Raph's blood sang in his ears, the roar of it drowning out all noise. The mugger's eyes bugged out, his mouth opened and closed but whatever he was saying was lost to Raph in the pounding, buzzing swirl of bloodlust that surged through him. His sai was in his hand, almost without him knowing, the grip hard and cold and heavy in his palm. He snarled as he thrust it at the guy's chest.

A heavy hand landed on his shoulder and flung him on his shell on the pavement. He leaped up again with a roar, only to slam into Leo's plastron. Behind Leo, Mikey punched the mugger in the solar plexus and he slid to the ground, wheezing.

"Back off, Raph, he's down." Leo shoved him backwards. "Calm down." Leo's voice was low and even. He pressed his hands against Raph's plastron, holding him back.

Raph shoved Leo's hands away. "What are you doing?"

"I'm trying to stop you from committing murder."

"This asshole just stabbed some guy and left him for dead!" The shakes were starting now as the adrenaline rush wound down, but damned if Raph was going to back off.

"It's not our call. The police should handle it." Leo took another step forward, palms out toward Raph.

"Police are on their way," said Donnie.

"What, to take him into a nice cell with a warm freaking bed and three meals a day? You think he's going to just see the error of his ways? 'Oh I've been a bad man, I should start a home for lost kittens' or something?" He thrust forward into Leo's face. "People like that don't change, Leo!"

"Sirens," said Donnie, with a slight edge to his voice.

Leo stood his ground. "So we should be judge and executioner Raph? There's a justice system for a reason."

"Fuck the justice system! We should be taking these people off the streets!" And now the shakes were really messing with him, making him want to lash out, making him want to grab something to stop the tremors in his muscles and he could see from Leo's expression that he knew Raph was coming down and that just made it worse.

"Siren's getting closer," said Donnie, louder and more insistent.

"We need to go," said Leo. He reached for Raphael's arm.

Raph shook him off. "Go fuck yourself."

"Raph-"

Raph took off. He ran until his shaking limbs burned with acid, ran until his breath was ragged in his chest. He launched himself up a fire escape and on to the roof of an apartment building, flopped down on his shell onto the dirty concrete, feeling the tremble in his fingers. The bloodlust had ebbed away and now he just felt weak and nauseous, like he always did.

He lay there until his breathing settled, looking up through the haze at the thin and distant stars. If Leo hadn't caught up to him he would have, yeah, he would have killed that guy. He would have. And he wouldn't have been sorry. _Fuck you, Leo. You're wrong._

 


	2. Two

He headed home slowly across the rooftops, not in any hurry to go back and see his brothers. He wondered what Leo had told Master Splinter about the mission, about why Raph wasn't with them. He toyed with the idea of not going home at all, of spending the night out in the city but truthfully he was fucking tired and sore and just wanted to go to bed.

Glass shattered somewhere nearby and he pulled up in his tracks. He grabbed for his sai without a second thought and ran to the edge of the roof. On the other side of the building three shadowy figures circled in front of a little back alley tattoo shop. Glass shards coated the grimy pavement, reflecting the neon light like a diamante necklace on an aging hooker. One of the thugs moved into the light and Raph spotted the familiar Purple Dragon tattoo. _I know that ugly mug._ Sid and two cronies moved in toward the broken window. Raph cracked his knuckles. _Bring it._

A chair came flying through the broken front window and smacked one of the thugs in the face, much to Raphael's amusement. A woman burst through the door, swinging a length of pipe at Sid. Sid ducked away and she overbalanced. _All power and no technique_ , Raph thought as he watched, then _shut the fuck up, Leo_. Jesus, the fucking ass was in his head now.

The woman was giving it her all, but the purple dragons were experienced and she hadn't managed to connect with one of them yet. _Just run you stupid woman._ She wasn't going to save her shop. _Just run so I can get down there._

She landed a lucky hit on one of the bruisers, who growled and backhanded her into the wall. She connected with a solid thud and slid down in a heap. Raph jerked forward in anger. _You fucking ass_ , y _ou're going to pay for that._ It was no good, he couldn't wait for her to run. _I guess you get an eyeful, lady._

Raph leaped off the roof and landed between the goons and their target, pulling his sai out of his harness.

"It's those fucking green bastards," shouted Sid. The goons backed off, weapons raised. "Piss off, turtle."

Raph cracked his neck. "I feel like hitting something tonight. So glad you boys volunteered." He twirled his sai.

"This is none of your business."

"Well I'm making it my business." Damn, that sounded cliche. "Come on. Bring it."

The goons backed away. One of them turned and ran.

"Hey!" Sid shouted after the coward.

Raphael laughed. "Aw, Sid, your friends are so brave. Just the sort of weak-ass fucker I would expect you to hang around with."

"Fuck you, turtle." Sid hesitated, then turned and ran after his friend, the other thug trailing behind.

Raph tensed to run after them, but, wait, he couldn't just leave the woman lying against the wall. "Damn it." He lowered his sai, disappointed. On the one hand, you should run, you fucking lowlifes. On the other hand, now he had nothing to beat up.

"Fuck mother shit ass piss," said the woman from behind him.

Raphael shoved his sai back in his harness and approached her. "You okay?" he asked.

The woman looked to be in her early twenties, with brown hair pulled back into a ponytail and kind of a nice face. She sat against the wall, the pipe lying beside her. She looked up at him and did a double take. "Jesus fuck! I thought you were in a costume."

"No. This is my ugly mug."

She looked him up and down with her mouth open. "No kidding."

Wait, what? Did she just say he was _ugly_? "Thanks a lot."

"I meant you're different." She gestured at his body with one hand.

"Yeah no shit." He folded his arms across his plastron and shuffled into the shadows. Not that he cared what someone thought about his looks. Or that there was anything wrong with the way he looked.

"You an alien?"

He snorted. "No." Did he look like an alien? "Mutant."

"Oh, like X-men mutant?"

"Better." He needed to steer this conversation away from what he was before she got too curious. At least she didn't seem to be badly hurt. "You know the smart thing to do when someone's trying to beat you up is to run away."

"Not really an option for me," she said, pointing at her leg.

"Why not?" He looked down. She wore a pair of faded denim shorts and a grey hoodie. The lower half of her left leg was covered in colourful tattoos. Raph blinked, realising that what he thought was a real leg was a prosthetic, the connection blatantly obvious now that he looked. Swirls of paint in psychedelic colours covered the surface.

"Oh, shit. Sorry, I didn't realise." He shifted from foot to foot.

She glared up at him. "What are you sorry for? Did you do it?"

"What? No." What the hell kind of question was that?

"Then keep your pity party to yourself, buddy." She leaned on the pipe and struggled to her feet.

Raph stepped forward, offering his hand to help her up but dropped it again when she glared at him. _Bad tempered bird_. At least she hadn't screamed the place down. Well, he was done here. He was halfway down the alley before she called after him.

"Hey."

He turned around. "What?"

Glass crunched under her feet as she limped toward him. "Thanks for stepping in."

Raph shrugged. "No problem."

She stopped a couple of metres away, leaning on the pipe. "No, really. Sorry, I get cranky when I see Sid the Purple Douchebag more than once a week." She winced and shuffled her shoulder. "Also when I get thrown into a wall."

"You know him?"

"Too well. Couldn't pay him this week so he came back with friends."

"Wait, you _pay_ him?"

"Uh, yeah. What else am I supposed to do?"

"Try telling him to fuck off."

"Yeah, that worked well." She indicated the ruins of her front window. "They're a very understanding bunch."

He'd always wondered about the kind of people who paid extortion money to the gangs so the gangs would leave them alone, and now he knew. This woman was exactly the type that Sid preyed on, the weak and vulnerable, people who couldn't stand up for themselves. He curled his hands around his sai, promising Sid a future beatdown. "He should leave you alone."

She shrugged. "This is his area."

"Yeah, but you're-" He waved a hand at her leg. "Handicapped."

"You what?" She went red in the face. "Fuck your handicap shit." She folded her arms and glared at him. "What, I should get special treatment?"

He blinked. Why was she mad _now_? "Well, yeah?"

"Hey, screw you buddy, I don't need a handout." She turned and stormed back to her shop.

" _Geez_ you got a fucking _temper_ , I just _meant-_ " Uurgh. He threw up his arms. "Whatever," he shouted at her back. He turned and leaped up the fire escape without a backward glance. Fuck humans. Why did he even bother?

He dawdled home, hoping everyone would be in bed by the time he got there, though there was a good chance hero-boy would be up and want to talk. Just what he needed to finish off a crappy night.


	3. Chapter 3

Leo hadn't waited up for him, and didn't try to talk to him at breakfast, which was fine, because Raph refused to fucking talk to Leo. As soon as morning training was over, Raphael retreated to the comfort of the weights bench, wanting to wash away his bad temper with sweat. He loaded the hand weights as high as he could take and sat on the edge of the bench, leaning in to the curl, enjoying the pull on his shoulders and biceps.

He worked up a sweat, but the irritation inside burned more than his muscles. He couldn't get that lowlife Sid out of his head. Sid was a perfect example of why Leo's way just didn't work. How many times had they knocked Sid down and left him for the police, only to have his bosses bail him out and have him back on the streets within weeks? Too freaking many times.

And that _woman_. He grimaced and changed arms. She might have been a cranky bitch but that didn't give Sid the right to prey on her, or anyone else. He swore and rubbed the sweat off his face. He hadn't expected a freaking parade but did she have to be so rude? She hadn't screamed, true, but she'd pretty much called him ugly and then yelled at him when he tried to give her sympathy.

He switched to his triceps and settled in for some more reps. If the purple dragons were extorting money from her and she couldn't pay, they would keep coming back until they got some money out of her. He paused mid-rep. Now there was a thought. What if Sid came back tonight? Raph could be there, and take him out once and for all. Really do the scumbag over this time, without Leo there with his _moderation_ and _let him go_ and _he's had enough, Raph_. He would show Sid what happened to thugs who beat up on handicapped women. And he would keep the hell away from her this time. She wouldn't even know he was there.

That thought made him feel a little better. He put the hand weights away, ready to do some chest presses. But, damn it, he wasn't talking to Leo, or Leo wasn't talking to him or whatever so who was going to spot for him? He hated having Mikey spot because he kept getting distracted and wanting to wander off, and Don got bored too quickly. Raph looked over at Leo, doing katas in a corner of the dojo. If he wanted Leo to spot for him he'd have to go over and apologise or something and ugh. Maybe he could just start a fight and work it out that way. Although lately Leo had been backing away from fights with him. Well what the hell, he had been annoying Leo for nineteen years, he knew what buttons to push.

He headed to the kitchen for a drink, to give himself time to decide what to do. Starting a fight definitely had more appeal than apologising. Besides, what could he say? _I'm sorry you're a douchebag. Now come and spot for me._

Mikey was in the kitchen, leaning against the counter, his hand buried in a packet of chips. "Why aren't you fat?" Raph said, pushing Mikey aside so he could get a cup. "You eat too much fucking shit."

"I'm naturally beautiful," said Mikey, shoving chips into his mouth. "Want some?"

April walked into the kitchen with her backpack over her shoulder. "Hi guys!"

"Hi, April!" said Mikey, flinging his arms wide for a hug.

April hugged Mikey, laughing, then brushed some hair off her forehead. Raph grimaced as Mikey made gooey eyes at him over April's shoulder. Why did he do that? Little shit.

"Hi Raph." She smiled at him and suddenly the juice in his belly went sour. Her hair was all wind-blown and stuck to her cheeks, and she was wearing some yellow button up sweater thing with a low-cut purple shirt underneath. Raph found himself staring at the freckles on the skin above her breasts and jerked his gaze upwards. "Hey, April," he muttered.

She dropped her backpack and grabbed a cup. "Ooh, are you getting juice? I'm parched."

"Yeah." He poured a juice for each of them.

"Thanks. How was patrol last night?"

"Raph had a tantrum and ran off," said Mikey, before Raph could say a word.

Raph slammed Mikey's head into the cupboards. "Fuck you, Mikey." Why'd he have to say that in front of April? Now she would want to talk about his damn feelings or some such shit. He felt his face grow hot.

"Okay," said April. "But did you get anything?"

"Just a mugger," said Mikey.

"Oh, nice one."

Wait, that was it? April hadn't even commented, as if Raph running off was a normal part of the mission, not that he had a _tantrum_ , he was just sick of Leo's shit. Did April think he ran off all the time? Well he didn't.

"What's Leo doing?" asked April, looking across to the dojo.

"Training," said Mikey.

"What else does he do?" said Raph.

Mikey made a big show of following April's gaze. "April, are you staring at Leo's butt?"

April rolled her eyes. "No, Mikey."

Mikey waited until April had a mouthful of juice then leaned close to her ear. "You know that's where he stores his honour."

April snorted juice across the bench and down the front of her sweater. Raph rolled his eyes as Mikey leaned on the counter and laughed. "You're an ass, Mikey."

April grabbed for a tea towel, glaring at Mikey as she mopped juice from her sweater. "Thanks a lot."

"Hey," Mikey spread his arms wide. "I'm here all day."

"Hoo-fucking-ray," muttered Raph. But April was laughing at Mikey. Why was she laughing at him? The little shit wasn't funny.

Don wandered in, his face lighting up when he spotted April. "Hey, April!"

April smiled at him and tossed the tea towel into the sink. "Hey, Donnie," she said. Pink spots appeared on her cheeks.

Raph looked away. The way they looked at each other, as if there was no one else in the room, made him feel like an outsider in his own freaking kitchen. Why did she look at Don like that?

Don bent down and picked up her backpack, slinging it over his shoulder. "Ready to recalibrate those sensors?" he said.

"You bet." April looked far too happy at the thought of calibrating some sensor. For a pretty girl she was really boring.

As soon as they were gone, Mikey leaned over to Raph. "Do you think that's their code for sex?"

"What? No!" He glared at Mikey.

"They must have a really boring sex life." Mikey lowered his voice in an imitation of Donnie. "April, I think I want to have sexual intercourse with you."

"Shut up, Mikey." He felt a flush creep up his neck. He turned around so Mikey wouldn't see his face.

"Oh Donnie, you know how to turn me on. Touch me. My vagina needs...recalibration."

"I said _shut it_." He was going to pound Mikey in a minute. The word _vagina_ loomed large in his mind.

"Oh Donnie, plug your connector into my socket." Mikey leaned on the bench and laughed at his own humour.

Raphael lashed out with one leg, trying to hook Mikey's ankle and put him on the floor, but Mikey dodged away. "You're obsessed with sex."

Mikey wiped his eyes. "Barney's a needy guy. Aren't you?" he said, talking to his crotch.

"And stop talking to your dick."

"Well, it's hard with April being so hot and all."

"SHUT UP." What the hell was wrong with Mikey? Why did he have to keep talking about April and Donnie like that? Raph's gaze drifted toward the lab. He heard the sound of laughter. Apparently recalibration was funny. Mikey and his 'it's code for sex'. Now he needed to scrub out his brain.

Leo came into the kitchen. "What are you shouting about?"

Raph tipped his cup up to get the last of the juice so he could avoid answering. He couldn't think of anything to say to Leo, and hadn't come up with a graceful way to start a fight.

"Nothing," said Mikey. "Want some chips?"

"No, thanks." Leo grabbed the juice out of the fridge and poured himself a cup. Sweat coated his skin. "You shouldn't be eating that either, it's not good for you."

Typical Leo, always telling people what to do. Raph gave up on getting Leo to spot for him. "Mikey, you want to come spot for me?"

Mikey looked from one brother to the other. "Nooope," he said, raising his hands. "Not getting in the middle of this catfight." He sauntered off, munching on his chips.

Raph turned away, annoyed. Well, he would just do some leg work then.

"I'll spot for you," said Leo quietly.

Raph glanced at Leo. He leaned against the bench, arms folded, watching Raph with a neutral expression. Raph hesitated, torn between his pride and his desire for a good workout.

"Yeah, okay." Good, this way he didn't have to think up some apology.

Leo followed him over to the gym. "What do you bench now? 400?"

"420," he said, all casual, but he was pretty damn proud of that. They put the weights on in companionable silence. Raph felt better already. Whatever Leo had been shitty about, he'd apparently got over it. Raph stretched out on the bench, shuffling his shoulders to get comfortable.

"What are you starting with?" said Leo.

"Ten." He gripped the bar, lifted it, felt the tightness across his chest, settled in to the rhythm of the workout, concentrating on steady, smooth movement. The first set warmed him up and he settled the bar back with a sigh of contentment. His triceps were tight, so he stretched his arm across his body until they moved more easily.

"Ready?" said Leo.

"Yeah." Raph lifted the bar for the second set. Not enough burn, he thought, as he moved through the reps. Maybe he should put the weight up again.

"I'm worried about you," said Leo.

Raph lost the rhythm and the bar wavered. "Shit, Leo!"

Leo grabbed for it, helped him put it back in the cradle. "Sorry, I thought-"

"You wait until I'm halfway through a rep?" God damn it, it had all been a ploy so Leo could corner him and lecture him.

"I just thought you might be more receptive if you were-"

"Nobody says that word in real life! _Why are you such a douchebag?_ "

Irritation flashed across Leo's face but his voice was still calm when he spoke. "Can we just have a conversation without shouting at each other?"

Raph sat up on the bench and grabbed for a towel to wipe the sweat off his face. "You haven't spoken to me all day and now you come out with this?"

"I've been trying to give you space. I thought you might have calmed down by now."

"I am calm."

Leo looked down. Raph followed Leo's gaze to find he was twisting the towel in his hands. He threw it on the floor.

"Last night-" Leo began.

"Last night _what_ ," Raph snapped.

Leo paused. "Okay. do you want to do another set?"

Raph bunched his fists. "Don't fucking try to pacify me. Just say what you want to say."

Leo sighed and sat down on the bench next to him. "Raph, you lost it last night. And it wasn't the first time."

Raph shrugged, irritated. "I get focused sometimes. I didn't _lose it._ "

"You weren't focused. You weren't even there."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"You were ready to kill that guy." Leo had his fingertips pressed together like he was meditating and it was pissing Raphael off.

"So what? You've killed people."

"I killed the guy who shot you. I killed the guy who had a knife to Donnie's throat. I killed the guy who murdered that little girl-"

Raphael blinked. "Geez, you have a list?"

"Yes, I do."

Fuck. Raph couldn't put faces to the guys he'd killed. Mostly foot soldiers. The Kraang didn't count. A couple of gang members, he was pretty sure. And that one guy with Casey that time, the nutter who had nearly taken the top of Casey's head off. But he didn't keep a list. "What the hell for?"

"Because I need to know that I am killing for a reason. That I made that decision each time with a clear head."

"Why the hell does that matter?"

Leo paused, slid his palms together in a different configuration, like he was trying to meditate. Shit, maybe he was. "Because I don't want to end up like the people I kill."

What did that mean? Raph glanced at Leo. Leo's gaze was locked on his hands. He didn't look mad or upset. He looked the way he looked when something wasn't going right in a fight, and it gave Raph a funny feeling. "You mean dead?"

The joke went over about as well as a stray cat in the dojo.

"You know that's not what I mean."

Raph glared at him. "Then what are you trying to say, Leo? Because I'm not getting it."

Leo shifted his hands again. It was really pissing Raph off. He wanted to reach out and grab them, or smack Leo in the face. Something.

"You kill when you go out with Casey?"

"Sometimes. How did this become about Casey?"

"He has control issues too."

"He doesn't have fucking _issues_. Neither of us do."

"Then why are you losing control so much lately?"

"I have a temper, all right?" He grunted, feeling a flush creep up his cheeks. "You know that."

"It's not temper. It's something else. And I want to know why." Leo finally stopped his chakra hands or whatever, letting them hang between his knees. "What's changed, Raph?" he said quietly. "What's got under your skin?"

_Everything._ The thought burst into his mind but he shoved it away. "Nothing's got under my skin. There's nothing wrong with me." But now there were other things trying to worm their way in. Familiar ugly faces. Always the same ones. Hordes of foot clan that never seemed to end.

Leo said nothing, just watched him. Like he expected Raph to lose it at any moment. Raph pushed the images away, shoved down his rising anger. Kept his hands curled into fists because then his fingers didn't tremble. "If you're done lecturing, I'm ready for another set."

Leo stood. "All right."

Raph lay on the bench and lifted the bar, annoyed that he'd cooled down. He settled into the rhythm again, but it felt off. _There's nothing wrong with me._ But every time he looked up, he caught Leo watching him with a thoughtful expression on his face. He gripped the bar and looked away. Whatever. Leo was just being his usual overbearing mother-hen self. Raphael gritted his teeth and tried to relax into the lift. There was nothing the fuck wrong with him.


End file.
